Days like this I don�t know what to do with myself/ All day/ They tell me that I�m a sullen girl/ a sullen girl

I just feel so meh. Tired, drained. Head hurting. Don�t want to be here today. I did so well yesterday, today seems to not be working. I am hopeful for post work�sunning and swimming at my mom�s pool, going out to dinner, shopping.

I feel all emotional today for some reason, like tears are hovering just under the surface. But why? I don�t know. Maybe because in the past week or two I�ve been digging a lot into my subconscious, digging a lot into my past. Maybe it�s just a bad morning.

breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe in breathe in/ if I had it all again I�d change it all.

I am not sorry to be where I am. I am generally very pleased with the status of my life. But at the same time, while it is hip and fashionable to say I have no regrets, it�s not true. Regret (I would not complain of my wounded heart) is a tricky emotion. Am I sorry that my life has played out the way it has played out? Not exactly . . .I mean, my life experiences have shaped me to be who I am. And I like who I am. But . . .some days some events seem regrettable.

I just feel so tired. Not as tired as I used to feel . . .feeling like torpor would be an enjoyable change of pace. But sometimes I am rushing so fast to taste and try everything that I forget something in the process. I don�t know.

1:22pm

I don�t think I�m a really good sulker in the long run. Two or three hours into it and I�m bored by it and bored by myself. A coworker stopped by my desk and said my cube was usually so zen and it�s all cluttered and messy. Two different people remarked on something like that . . .not critically but I take the hint that it�s wrecking my flow. I feel so bored and unchallenged. I could step up and become a CRC and make more money but then have to work more. I don�t know.

Josh has been closing nearly every night for the last three weeks now . . .which this morning for no explicable reason had suddenly become oppressive. By the time he comes home I am remeroned and in a post Drawing Down the Moon coma. So many small things I want to tell him but forget. They just hired someone new and there is talk about him having every other weekend off. I�m scared to hope for that. I�ve forgotten what long lazy days feel like together.

I worry about being stagnant. I worry that I am lazily floating in a tiny algae laden swamp with a margarita in one hand, half asleep and indifferent to the three alligators circling around me. I worry that I am sleep walking and not doing everything I love but doing mostly what I feel obligated to do.

Feeling: Discordant

Rumblebug song: Tomb Raider Soundtrack

Too Soon Known | Known Too Late

Vieux Peine
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