further essays on the cult of marriage

So of course, when we�re at his cousin�s awful wedding, his family has started in with the, �Sooo . . .marriage . . .� thing. And it�s something I�ve been thinking about. I think my views have changed since the last time I wrote about it.

We�re further into our relationship now, nearly three years in. Have been living together for a year. And I like it, gentle readers. I really really enjoy living with this man of mine. I mean, I still really enjoy his company. While we still haven�t been together that long in the scheme of things, we share a common vision. He still makes me laugh. We still talk for hours and hours like we did when we first met. People look at us and say that we are an excellent match. We�ve been called ying to each other�s yang. And I don�t think that�s crazy. We don�t complete each other�we are whole people without each other with whole lives with individual thoughts, dreams, and passions. We never forgot to have a life outside of the other. We have interests that we pursue that are not mutual and I think that�s wonderful. I love that I can be fascinated/horrified by the amount of time he plays his MUD.

We have worked together to be out of debt. We have done without to give to the other. We have worked to build a life together as independent people. It�s so wonderful feeling that we are self-sufficient; everything we have is ours by our own right. We did this.

I love that I still think he�s the sexiest man on the face of this earth. I love that he has never once tried to change me, but instead encouraged me to look inside myself to figure things out, to figure out who I am not by my relationships or by other people�s opinions, but my own. He encourages me to be as me as possible.

And I am a pragmatist, I know that there are a lot of people in this world who could make me happy but honest to gods gentle readers, I would have a hard time finding someone as well suited to me as he is. There�s no one else I can imagine making me as happy as he does.

I love that we both want the same things out of life. I mean, I think that�s what frightens me, we want such similar things and ideals that I worry that one day one of us will wake up and be like, oh by the way, I�m not down with this whole bi thing anymore (or some other seemingly improbable statement of that nature).

But on the other hand, why would that happen? And if it did happen, why does that automatically equate in my head that the relationship could no longer work? My heart (correctly) tells me that that�s crazy. That while any big life change would take some time to adjust to, as long as we both wanted to change together it would always work. Because the struggle in a long term relationship is way more about being able to grow and change together. That�s what breaks up a relationship� when you cannot change together anymore.

And it�s not wrong for a relationship to break down because of that. Sometimes you both just change individually too much to be happy together anymore.

But this concept of always is so frightening to me because it seems to lead yourself into a big open area of possibility to be wrong. Like, You thought you could be together forever and it�s five years later and you�re not thus you were wrong. Writing that down makes me realize how asinine that is. I mean, everyone is wrong. It�s (supposedly) part of the human experience. But to be perfectly honest, it�s not particularly part of the human experience I�m down with. I hate being wrong. It probably has to do with having an excessive amount of pride, but I hate it nonetheless.

For the longest time, my biggest problem with marriage is that a lot of people seem to go into it like you�re picking out a sweater at the Gap (�Well, I could probably loose ten pounds and make it fit.�). And yeah obviously, love is a stellar reason to get married. But I don�t believe it can be the only one. Plenty of people love each other and wind up with a broken relationship because love is supposed to be the all powerful band-aid. And it�s not. But why else does one get married? I�ve tossed that idea around in my head for a while.

I think . . .to me . . .I want to marry Josh because he makes me so painfully happy. To the point I almost can�t bear it. I want to marry Josh because we�ve gone through hardship and hard shit and it never made us ugly to each other. We�ve always been able to work on anything together�money, our relationship, etc., etc. I feel like no matter how much our vision of the future changes, we always manage to change together. We want the same basic things out of life. The constant growing, shifting, and evolving is a constant joy to us, not pain. There is no one else in this world I would rather have by my side.

And that, gentle readers, scares the shit out of me.

Rumblebug song: �Celebrity Skin�, Hole

Feeling: Contemplative

Too Soon Known | Known Too Late

Vieux Peine
SalonCon - 2006-06-27
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this is the song lalalala - 2004-11-30
you've got questions, I've got answers - 2004-11-10
you're everything I hoped for/ everything I worship and adore - 2004-11-05